“I feel weak, pathetic, and stupid,” I said to my partner.
“You’re doing what’s best for your health and that’s what matters,” he reminded me. Over the past few weeks, I’ve had similar conversations with friends, family members, my therapist, and internally to myself. Recently, my depression and anxiety became so debilitating that I had to take time away from work. Because of the severity and persistence of this particular depressive episode, and due to its unfortunate timing, this period of leave will extend through my final days of work. Accepting this reality hasn’t been easy for me. Accepting that I need this time off to take care of myself, and then actually making the space to take care of myself-- have proven extremely difficult. It’s been difficult because not only am I already fighting depression’s symptoms of hopelessness, low sense of self-worth, decreased energy, and more-- I am also self-shaming routinely and repeatedly because of the professional circumstances that have resulted. I self-shame through how I speak to myself and how I perceive myself. Trying to adjust that thinking-- some of which is habitual-- is something I’ve struggled with since I began therapy more than three years ago. That’s not to say I haven’t improved, because I’m confident that I have-- but it still requires substantial effort. Among the challenges associated with taking medical leave from work, I’ve noticed, is that I’ve had to modify daily expectations. I choose the word “modify” rather than “lower” because how I think and talk about this situation matters. I don’t want to reinforce the notion (to myself or to anyone who might be reading this) that there actually is shame in my situation. I hope that by adapting my language in a way that is healthy and kinder to myself, that I will continue to transform and overpower my self-shaming statements, while also potentially reducing the stigma for someone else. Here are a few ways that I’ve modified my daily expectations throughout my leave from work:
Through modifying my expectations, I am learning about myself. I am beginning to consider the possibility that I am neither weak nor pathetic, but instead strong and resilient. Rather than explaining this leave from work as, “I couldn’t handle something so I gave up,” I’m starting to believe that it’s more like, “I couldn’t handle something because of circumstances outside of my control, so in order to return to a healthy standard of coping, I recognize that I need to take care of myself. Eventually, I will be equipped to cope with life’s challenges again in a healthy manner, and I will have grown along the way.” In other words, in processing this experience, my opinion on what it means to be “weak” versus “strong” is transforming. As I continue to manage my illness, I am redefining weakness as refusing to recognize a problem, ignoring pain, and never changing. Strength, on the other hand, is a willingness to accept imperfection, bravely persist through the darkness, and grow through life’s journey despite that it’s probably easier not to. As I progress through my medical leave, accept that it’s necessary right now, and modify my expectations, I feel confident that I will eventually appreciate this adversity for all it’s taught me. Right now, though, I hope that this writing might guide someone else toward their own modified expectations, self-acceptance, and redefinition of what it means to be strong.
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Author: Mary Beth SpangGraduate student | Archives
August 2018
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